Jen and I

I used to be an avid fan of that teen soap Dawson’s Creek. For the record, I think I will always be the number one fan! And I, among all those who fell in love with the show (my cousin Ate Mhac included), feel a terrible sense of nostalgia upon hearing even a part of the song “I Don’t Wanna Wait” (which by the way became an anthem then). I so very well remember I started watching the show since elementary. So you can say that I almost grew up with the gang. But I think more than anything, the very reason I like this show so badly is because I fell in love with this girl whom I think more than anyone else in the show, has a unique way of working herself out to win anyone’s heart by just her mere smile and witty conversation. And no, I’m not even talking about Joey Potter here. And I’m not pertaining to “crazy” Audrey either. This girl whom I’m talking about is all beautiful, real and eternally innocent. People call her by her name Jennifer Linley. But in my case, I prefer to call her Jen, just like all her friends did.

As I said, we grew up together. I consider myself and Jen as soul-mates, more than her and Jack. We are even the closest of friends. She’s the kind of girl who values her thoughts and doesn’t let other people take it away from her. That’s the thing that I admire the most about her. Through her struggles, she always managed to get back on her feet again and again and again, and one certain thing about her is, regardless of her heart-aches with Dawson, Pacey, CJ or whoever it is, she’s never afraid to fall in love again. She’s definitely right about herself and I agree with her, that from the second she stepped out of that cab and set foot onto the creek, she was this instigator who grew and caused problems and rocked the creek and upset the delicate emotional balance of Capeside. Well, she may have caused all those troubles including the perfect romantic relationship between Dawson and Joey, but all along, she told herself that all she wanted in life is to love and be loved. And regardless of how her friends will feel towards her especially Joey, she’s never really ashamed to speak out and show her true feelings. She is brave, honest to her feelings, and she’s never really hard to fall in love with. After all, she’s got nothing to lose.

During those episodes of soul-searching and crying, (well, that’s every Tuesdays at 8:00 pm) I make it sure that I’m always at her side. She may have laughed with you, or she can be bitchy and drunk sometimes…but the true Jen is revealed when she’s come face to face with you and pour her purest thoughts. There were lonely nights when I cried with her too….and I fell in love with her the more. I recalled the nights she spent alone when she worked giving advices over the radio. Every time I hear her, she sounded smart and strong willed, but frail and unsure at the same time. You can tell that she had her ups and downs in life, in family, love, and past relationships. Because all these are reflected in the way she handles the world around her, and she always makes the most out of each experience. She wept, she cursed, she learned, she grew, and she smiled back at the world even if it’s sometimes unkind. That’s why I like her so much.

Jen is a gift and a true friend. Friendship she says “can never really be under estimated”. True, for she’s always there to keep you company whenever you’re down and she’s willing to throw you a nice drink and walk with you along the creek if you’ve got problems you’d want to discuss. I terribly miss those nights when I’m with her. But more than anything, I miss her as a friend. If only I could have my way of fixing her heart and cure her pain before she left. Or If only I could make her feel that she really belong, because she never really quite did, or so she felt.

Jen is all human. She committed a good deal of mistakes in her life and was never ashamed to correct them. She has a way of laughing at things even during the last minutes of her life. She knows how to forgive and ask forgiveness. She knows the value of friendship, family and life. And most importantly, she knows how to LOVE. I will always remember the words she said the day she went away:

“Seeing as how I won’t be around will thoroughly annoy you. So I thought I would give you a little list of the things that I wish for you. Well, there’s the obvious: education, Family, Friends, and the life that is full of the unexpected. We sure to make mistakes. We make a lot of them. Because there’s no better way to learn and to grow. I want you to spend a lot of time with the ocean. Because the ocean is for you to dream, and I insist that you be a Dreamer! God, well, sometimes I’ve never really believed in God. In fact there’s been a lot of time and energy trying to disprove that God exists. But I hope that you are able to believe in God. Because the thing that I’ve come to realize is, it just doesn’t matter if god exists or not. The important thing is for you to believe in something. Because I promise you, that belief will keep you warm at night, and I want you to feel safe always. And then, there’s love. I want you to love to the tips of your fingers. And when you find that love, wherever you find it, whoever you choose, don’t run away from it. But you don’t have to chase after it either. Just be patient and it will come to you, I promise, when you least expect it. Don’t be afraid and remember that to love means to live.”

You have no idea how I miss this girl. I wish I could bring back the good times with her, just even every Tuesdays @ 8:00. I just miss all the memories we’ve shared together back in the creek. I do hope we’ll cross each other’s paths again; although I know she’s never gonna come back again soon.

Michelle Williams who plays Jennifer Lindley in the teen series Dawson's Creek.

The Thin Air

She’s the only person I want to care for but she always strays away. She gives up every chance of me being smiled at. All I wanted all along is to be known, to be recognized, and be felt, not merely as a thin air but as a person who is feeling and who has a heart that beats. Maybe if i cling to all the false hopes and wrong expectations that she gives, i can say to myself its better that way. It’s better to know the feeling than not to experience it at all. After all, loving is not about the reward and the favors to be returned.It’s about the feeling of being there beside her although sometimes also facing the fact that you’re never really there to be felt and to be acknowledged back.

People always hold back, from showing what's hidden inside them and sometimes from coming out of their own shell. The feeling would rather fade into nothingness than to show a person that you cared, that you missed, and most importantly, that you loved. A slap on the face is more tolerable than grasping this bitter truth sometimes. People can be really unfeeling. It's like you stand there before her to show you care, and yet you're barely even noticed. You are just a thin air passing by.

But lingering there over and over again bore my heart sometimes. Love fades along the way and the tables take a different turn once in a while. This time i got fed up of all the lost chances being thrown at my face. This time i decided to cut the chase and leave an impression of not wanting to go back there and be bored in the heart over and over again by the one i loved. Blood seeps through the hole and it makes the heart fail to beat, so i realize I've got to keep a little something for myself and think i deserve better than to linger there and expect nothing in return - not even the slightest smile. Although it's painful, sometimes i have to acknowledge the fact of letting chances go and be proud of myself that i loved, that i once clung there for the feeling.

I'm asking myself, Is it a big fault when I decided not to hang there to pursue the one I loved? The answer is I don’t think so. People hold back, Afraid to show their feeling. There’s no way i can change that fact and there’s nothing i could do to be noticed. I don’t know why people hold back but maybe it’s because of fear or i just really failed in comparison with his significant others. But at the end of the day, when i'm gone, she will tell me that she misses it, that she wants the chase after all. That she is almost feeling the thin air but quite not willing to take it in. That she just loves the idea of being chased and having the power to ignore at the same time. But I say it’s a different thing now. It’s all about taking chances and not getting all the things that we wanted in life. This time she told me I didn’t have to quit the chase. But the tables have turned now. So I asked her, would it be a big fault if she decides at first not to cling to the feeling although the feeling was sweet and true, and to acknowledge it once and for all when the chance is right there before her? She said yes, it would be a big fault on her part. I just paid her a smile and a quizzical look…… then I turned.

She once slipped away and it was never the same after that. People fall in and fall out of love. Chances were lost and it will never be there for the second time around. I was not lying to myself when i cut the chase. It was her who was holding back and afraid. It was her turn now to be the thin air. So all i could do is to feel sorry for her. I'm not even holding back what i'm feeling this time, it's just that we changed places. It's just that it was me slipping away this time and I'm just happy that i didn't stay there any longer to dissipate like thin air. It was a beautiful awakening. If only she came out of her own shell then, If only.

We’ve all read and heard of lost chances and time wasted in a lot of romantic novels and movies. We cried buckets over Catherine and Heathcliff, Zach and Summer, Jen and Dawson, Brit and Teddy or even Teng and Kit. But after a very long time of hoping and waiting there in vain for love, thin airs do get tired sometimes. They cut all chases and stop. Their feelings change and the tables turn. In the end they are the one who says “you had your chance but you blew it”. It’s painful at first for you thought your chances were so much that it sucks. But in the end you realize that leaving is better than clinging. Because the experience would tell you that there are people out there who deserve your time better. If all it takes is to believe that there is so much to learn than to lose, it’s better to hold on to that belief than to stay there and dissipate like nothing.


P.S.

she's Catren Ann Gamboa and she's the reason why i ended up writing The Thin Air way back in our early college days.
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as of now, ok naman na kami, were friends and i guess hanggang dun nalang talaga yun.
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kung di mo pa 'to nababasa parekoi, sana magustuhan at maintindihan mo din ang laman ng blog na ito.
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ingat palagi.






Finding -Marco-™ Harlequin Lover

12 Pink Roses

My cell phone’s beeping sound woke me up one night. Used to receiving important messages only, I grabbed my cell and sleepily pushed the keys and read the message. "Hi there! Care 2 b my txtmate?" Not knowing who the sender was, I deleted the message right away and placed the phone on my bedside table, I tried to go back to sleep. I had just closed my eyes when I heard the message tone again. "Hi there, again! Care 2 b my txtmate?" again, the message said. "Who the hell could this be asking for txtmate at the wee hours of the night?" I asked myself. Again, without bothering to reply I deleted the message.

I was never a 'textmaniac' - someone who enjoys texting anyone and everyone even at the wee hours of night, not to mention during the day. My parents, who were always out of the country forced me to own a cellphone. They told me that having one was more convenient - they could monitor me even if they're miles away. I wanted to turn the unit off, but since my mother was fond of calling me at night, just to check if I was safe at home, I decided not to. Just as I was to close my eyes and return to my dreamless sleep, the phone beeped again. Same number...Such determination!
"Please reply to this message & be an angel & save me from dis abyss of emptiness!!!"

I never knew why, but the message struck me. I got up and pushed the keys... I just realized I was replying to the message. "I'm not an angel, n f u want som1 2 save u, im not superman... I'm just a simple person who u wake up at this hour of my night!!! Anyway, do I know u?" I typed. Seconds later came the reply. "Nope. U don't know dis lonely soul. Nor does she know u. But I want to be your friend. I'm Mikaella Bernal. U?" "I'm Marcus Nicolai Dela Cruz, but you can call me Marcus. How'd u get my no.?" I sent back. "Hi Marcus, nice 2 meet u. Just shuffled the last two digits of mine," she replied.

That was the first and maybe the last time I met someone over the cell phone. We exchanged messages and learned so much about each other that night. We only said goodbye when my alarm clock rang at 5:00 AM! I had to prepare for school! And that was also how it all started. A day would not pass without it loving and thoughtful messages from her. It was only then I had learned to appreciate text messages and become eager and excited every time my phone beeped, hoping it would be her.

Mikaella brought out something about me that I never knew I had; I realized I could also be a romantic person... even if it's just through text messaging.

"Keep me as a friend & I will keep u in my heart.
Lock it up & throw away d key so that no1 can ever
take you away from me..."

One day, she sent this message to me. I replied:

'In life, we seldom find a true person &
if you ever find one, hold on & never let go... value that
person coz it's life's gift worth keeping & holding on..."

I never knew why, but her response sent shivers to my spine,

" Value d people who have touched your life
because u will never know just wen they will walk out
of your life & never come back again."

I couldn't understand what I felt that moment, but one thing I was sure though... I could not go on a day without a single word from her. I'd become used to having her, even though we had not met personally. But truly, she already occupied a space, a large one, in fact in my life. I texted her back.

"Don't come close if later you''ll just
pass by; don't touch me if later you'll just let me cry;
don't love me if later you'll just leave me and won't stay..."

I didn't know why I sent her that message, but somehow I felt, every word came from my heart. In the short span of time we were sending messages to each other, I knew, I was starting to keep her in my heart. I called her once. The voice on the other end was like an angel's. Soft, kind, full of love. Yet, there was something in it I couldn't define. We only talked for a few minutes. Before she hung up, she told me not to call again. According to her, it would be better if we would just text each other. But the voice kept ringing, not only in my head, but in my heart, I'd long to hear it once more. I tried to call her again, but she never answered the phone. She just kept on sending messages and quotations, which I copied in a little notebook.

Hopeless romantic? I didn't know. All I could say was that all the messages she sent me were wonderful, they came from the heart and cut through the heart.

"Though we are miles apart, you are always in my heart. I
close my eyes & there you are. Even if I'll see u never,
I'll always b here to care for you, far longer than forever..."

One December night, she sent me this message. By that time we had been exchanging messages for more than a month. God knew how happy I was. She was right. Although we had not seen each other, what we felt was enough to make us both realize what was keeping us together. I sent her another message,

"Loving you secretly is
a hard thing foe me to do, hoping, wondering that you
will feel the same way too, but I can't read your mind if
you love me to. But whatever it is, I'll still be
loving you."

"How I wish I could really tell you how much you mean to
me, but i'm afraid to love, scared to get hurt... I
hope that you will wait for me & pray that u will not
get tired of loving me...=)"

was her reply.

And then I replied again.

" The reason why I met you
is because of destiny but if destiny will suggest that
I'll live w/o u, then, I'll lie not by destiny but
of free will."

Whenever I asked her when we would meet personally, she always answered, "Soon...soon, love...soon." Not seeing each other did not lessen, even a bit, what I felt for her...rather, it even grew deeper and stronger each day. And I was sure, she felt the same way, too. Love messages continued to flow through our lines, between our hearts, which made us go on each day with the thought that sooner, we would see each other, face to face, heart to heart. Just a few days before Christmas. She stopped sending messages. At first I just though she had ran out of prepaid.
But there was something that kept bothering me... I couldn't understand what was it, but it made me fell nervous. I tried to call her but she wouldn't answer. Nevertheless, I continued sending messages.

Suddenly one night, just three days before our Lord's birthday. I heard my phone's message tone again... at last! It was from her!

"Often times we say goodbye to the one we love w/o wanting
to. Though that doesn't mean that we stopped loving
them or we stopped to care. Sometimes, GOODBYE is a
painful way to say I LOVE YOU."

I was dumbfounded. I didn't know what to think of. What did she mean? I texted her back, searching for answers, but found nothing. I called her but she would not answer. For the first time in my life, I felt so miserable...desperate... empty. I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to lose her. I had learned to love her. And I wanted to be with her forever. The following days I felt nothing but emptiness. It seemed that Mikaella took the life out of me. I missed her so much...her messages...The tones that would tell me she'd sent another loving message. Nothing around me could feel the emptiness I felt.

Tut...tut...tut...tut...tut...just a day before Christmas, my cell beeped again. It was her! "Meet me at d café, 10 AM 2day," I read aloud, making sure the message was true, then I jumped with joy upon hearing from her again. Hurriedly, I got myself ready and I went to the mall. I knew it was still early, but I wanted to be there before she arrived. I arrived at the meeting place ten minutes earlier. I was surprised to see her already there, smiling at me. She was very beautiful, Black, deep-set eyes that spoke a thousand words; small, kissable lips; a nose perfectly chiseled and long black hair - everything in her was beautiful. And yes, her eyes radiated kindness and love...but there was a flicker of something in them...sadness?

"Hi, Marcus," said the angelic voice I had been dreaming of each night. The voice that I had waited to hear for so long. "Please sit down”. “I am very pleased to meet you, Mikaella," I said, as I took my seat and gave the roses I brought for her. "Thanks, Marcus," she smiled, obviously pleased
with the roses. I knew she loved pink roses. "You are always welcome, Love", "Marcus, I can't stay," she said, sadness in her voice, or was it tears? "I really must go." "But we just met, Mikaella. Can't we talk a little longer?" I asked, pleadingly. "I can't really.I just came here to see you and thank you for the time you shared with me. Thank you for everything, Julius. I will never forget you...you will always be here in my heart."

She was looking at me straight into the eyes, and I could really feel the sadness in her voice and I swear, there was something in her voice and I swear, there was something in those lovely yet lonely eyes... She got up and smiled at me, lovingly.

"Tomorrow morning, please come and visit me," she said and gave me a piece of white linen paper.

I read what was written and when I looked up, she was gone. The following day, Christmas, I woke up early and excitedly readied myself, thinking of her. I hurriedly went to flower shop and bought a dozen pink roses - for Mikaella.

They lived in an exclusive subdivision. Upon reaching their house, I told the guard who I was and that I was looking for Mikaella. The guard stared at me, sadness and amazement in his eyes and told me to wait as he called the owner of the house. As I looked at him while he was going inside the house, only then I noticed that the house was brightly lit.

A woman went out and walked towards me, smiling sadly. "Hi, I'm Maria, Mikaella's mother. Please come inside, Marcus." While we were walking towards the mansion, she explained to me why she knew me very well - Mikaella had always been talking about her friend, Marcus. I hardly understood what she was saying. I was busy thinking why Mikaella's mother was crying while talking to me.

As we came near the great hall of the house, it dawned on me that there was a wake inside, Maybe, a relative passed away, I thought. But deep in my heart, I was trembling and afraid. As we entered the hall where so many people were silently mourning while others were praying, shaking, I asked her mother. "Where is Mikaella?"

She held my hand and silently, led me to the coffin which was surrounded by flowers – pink roses, nothing but pink roses. No words could explain how I felt when I gazed at the coffin and saw who was lying there. The same beautiful girl I met... A man came beside me, I knew he was Mika's father. "We are so glad you came, Marcus. Mika talked of you all the time. She even asked that her phone be buried with her.

She said that in that way, you could still send her messages and you would always be with her."

I couldn't believe everything... My mind was in limbo. "But how can this be? We just saw each other yesterday."

"That can't possibly be. She passed away three days ago. She had been suffering from a heart disease since she was a child," said her father.

"But..." I couldn't find the words to say.

"She told us not to bother reaching you, "her mother said, still in tears," she said you will come, and here you are.

Pain and bitterness overwhelmed me. I cried silently beside her, staring at her lovely face, memorizing every line of my friend's face, a face I knew I would never forget while I was still alive. After the internment that afternoon, I went to the chapel she had told me she went everyday.

Sitting there praying and crying to God, I held my phone and typed:

"You taught me how to care; you taught
me how to be kind; you showed me how to like some; you showed
me how to love; but there's one thing you didn't teach me & it
hurts more - u didn't teach me how 2 let go. I LOVE YOU"

I sent the message, and though I knew she wouldn't be able to hold her CP again, I knew in my heart she would get my message. I never expected a reply, yet as my phone beeped again, felt a shiver down my spine. The sender's number did not appear on the screen, and tears rolled down my cheeks as I read the message.

"Let go of d hand of d person u love, but don't let
go of God's hand. For if you hold to his hand. He may be
holding the person you love in the other hand to let u hold
each other again."

"I will never forget you, Mikaella and i will never let go..."
I vowed to her and to myself as I left the church.

When Sorrow Falls From Sky

When I woke up a little early today, I've noticed how I have managed to subconsciously wrap myself in my blanket. It was cold, damn. I don't know, but the place looks gloomy. Damn. I got up, turned the fan off, and went back to bed. That's when i noticed something outside the window. Oh, great. Rain.

It seems that I was somehow affected by the rain. It's not that something like having cough or cold and stuff, but, I don't know, I somehow felt like so sad whenever the rain pours. Oh, crap. Maybe it's the gray sky. Or maybe it's the sound of pouring water. I really have no idea whatsoever.

In times like this, I remember those precious little memories that i kept, no matter how small it may be. I wasn't exactly an outgoing person. I'm the one whose more of a dork that's used to fade on the background. But I remember those good times when people insisted to have me somewhere with them. Oh, I've never felt so needed.

I remember a time when a good friend of mine used to literally drag me out of the house just to be sure I'll go with him. Oh, shit. I was topless, and that friend really did a lot of digging in my nasty drawers just to find a shirt. I was shirtless that time. Oh, well, so much of a good friend. She's my sister, I can tell.

I remember when I was such a stupid dolt that I was so shy while attending a party, I didn't even want to get up on my chair even though I really want to take a leak. There's this one girl that, really, asked me out, asked me to dance with her. Being as stupid as I was, I said no, I'm shy, I'm sorry. Oh crap. I'm such a dork. Well, that's the best about teens. You can be as stupid as you want without anyone caring at all, because they went as stupid as you, too.

I remember when I cried over the phone because of, well, another girl. Aww, goddamnit. Melodramatic bastard. No, really - I cried. She's so nice and understanding, and yeah, whatever. At least, even I am a dork, I have enjoyed this transition. I can say that I wasn't really left along the tracks.

I remember when I used to make lame excuses just to not to attend a reunion or a birthday party or an outing. I wasn't kidding when I told you I am pretty much left out. I just don't feel I'm very much needed, but they keep on telling me that I should go. No, scratch that - I must go. Knowing that I am easily irritated by jokes they tell me that they'll come on my house and pick me up and literally drag the living hell out of me. They said that they just want me to be there and be with them in that little moment of happiness over a bottle of brandy. But I don't like it. I told them that wasn't everyday at school's enough? Well, I'm so hard to myself.

I remember those, and a lot more. I couldn't get enough, but I know that I must stop. Because in reality, those times wouldn't and can't be brought back. This is so much for remembering. I must stop.

Finding -Marco-™ Harlequin Lover

Hits and Misses

the coin always has two faces. heads you win, tails you lost. and in life, we spend that one, hot saturday afternoon or say a starry sunday evening staring from a broken windowpane brooding over which face of the coin we are playing. we toss the coin over & over sometimes if we fail to get a shot at the jackpot cos we feel like its never fair & acceptable to have the tail-end invades the ambiguous territory of our ‘perfect’ plans and ideals. but sometimes, it just happens. we get the losing end of it and when it does, suddenly we feel the hard concrete touching our feet collapses and twirls, more so if that something we’re playing for is huge. and somehow, we feel that the world has made the biggest SUCKER out of us for missing a turn for that coveted head. that’s when frustrations & disappointment strike and that’s when we throw punches at our bedroom wall & scream. but after a while, past the tarnished wallpaper and a broken wrist, you realize it’s a normal human condition under a circumstance way beyond human’s control, and you try to move on. and while you were sitting & marking those red letter days from the calendar, you realize that patience serves anything. by tomorrow morning when you see the silver lining & when all bruises from your fist healed, you will sigh and smile, and you’ll start singing some sappy & happy jesse mcCartney’s or even britney’s in the bathroom even if you’re a true-blue emo hardcore –just because you got thru the tail end of the coin and started having the head, cos you’re just simply patient, and happy. but the important thing is you learned some lessons. and because of that you stop making plans cos nothing proves to be predictable in life after all. you know all the while its worth the time tasting that bitter coffee, only after knowing that you hadn’t put any sugar in it then needed to pour some to make it taste good. you just stop making plans.You stop befriending negativism & drop the coin and not even care whether you get a head or a tail, cos you learn that life is a big joke sometimes and you’re allowed to be cheated once in a while.

nelly furtado said ‘all good things come to an end’, and chris carrabba answered with ‘morning calls for pain relief.’ all the same, no matter what circumstances the coin may give, go get and flip it for it’ll be worth the try knowing that things will be brighter & okay in the long end. now it’s just a matter of picking it up and flipping it over after one bad turn and see whether chances favor your side this time around.

then if all else is screwed, that’s when you get the spoonful of sugar to pour on your coffee to make the bitter taste a little sweeter. by then you will know your attempts are never really wasted. cos in life, you win some…and you lose some just the same. Ultimately it depends roughly on your muscles to move mountains from here to yonder. and you know that alone makes things in this world happen.

hits.. misses... fate... luck…, whatever you call it, can be dictated by that two-faceted piece of silver, but you’re still the third face that flip & control it. so you get to decide. you challenge, and you get to play smart. cos if you do, the next time you’ll be staring out from that broken windowpane one starry sunday evening again you’ll just sigh & say ‘I’m prolly on the tail end now, but i do win! and that’s what’s important.’

Finding -Marco-™ Harlequin Lover

Star Crossed

Star crossed lovers
They say we're not meant to be
'Cause the stars in the sky, and the fashion that they are aligned.
I say if the futures been drawn out there's no point in living.
I wont give up my love so that fate can have its way.

If the stars say that you couldn’t love me,
Are you telling me that you would listen?
If the words make their way from your mouth,
Don’t ask my permission,
All is forgiven.

Star crossed lovers, we do what we want to.
Some learn the hard way,
We all learn through consequence.
I say if the futures been drawn out then nobody’s living.
I won't give you up love, so fate can have its way.
Its way.

If the stars say that you couldn’t love me,
Are you telling me that you would listen?
If the words make their way from your mouth,
Don’t ask my permission,
All is forgiven.

Is it over?
(The stars keep this fire from burning out)
Is it over?
(Are you saying that you’d really listen?)
Is it over?
(The stars keep this fire)
Is it over?
(The stars keep this fire)

If the stars say that you couldn’t love me,
Are you telling me that you would listen?
If the words make their way from your mouth,
Don’t ask my permission,
All is forgiven.

If the stars say that you can not love.
(The stars keep this fire from burning out)
If the stars say that you can not love me.

Marco - Rose Anne [ lablab ]

How Do You Sleep

we have restless nights. and what do we do about it? so far i’am tranced by bedtime stories and old The Cardigans album. but that is phony. i want a real Nina Persson voice that is equally balmy and enthralling, in which listening to is almost like making love. in less peaceful nights, i try to be reckless: i paint, i soliloquy, i read, i doodle, i have a mad desire to dance until its two in the morning and my neighbor sees me and wonders how an odd creature from another planet happens to land in my room. i will to be like the little prince. but i’am from earth, a kin to humans. plus the fact that i’m not that beautiful. it makes me hope against hope, and realize too soon that it’s a cry for the moon, to find my personal plant to take care of and look after here. my rose is from mars or somewhere in asteroid B-612. and i can’t get there. i’am from earth. the district of lonely people and sheeps who don’t sleep.

and so i take lazy trips on the road and watch a leaf or a paper fly in mid-air and see beauty in them. i follow my whims. i hate making plans. plans are for people who expect death when they’re 60 or 70. but i’m anxious. i guess fear is a normal feeling for a 23 year old, or for an earthling after all. because the rumble in the highway is not ebbing. the rumble in the highway is hammering inside my chest. i need to be a little less queasy. my heart is beating 100+ beats per minute and i wonder if it’s excitement, or lust, or a lack of resolution. or could it be the literal misbehaving of car wheels resonating from the ground? my heart is beating 100+ beats per minute as i sit here, my fingers drumming on the table, when i realize i’am waiting. for what? for who? whom. dub dub dub. then the rumble is the combination of all: excitement, lust, and the lack of resolution. and i think love. i hear car wheels screech into a halt, the hint of a real Nina Persson voice, but more melodic.

i’am here on earth. and my rose is not from Mars or Asteroid B-612 after all.

in a night of patience and sweet yearnings the rumbles become silent.

and so in a night like this, a night of beautiful pleasures i ask you,
how do you even sleep?

i don’t. i just stay here with you.

Finding -Marco- Harlequin Lover

Self Awareness

lahat ng nakalagay dito eh ang sinabi ko sa aming self awareness

1. Ako ay...
- simpleng tao lang, mababaw lang kaligayahan ko. minsan napagkakamalan akong anti social dahil hindi ako mahilig magsasama kung kani-kanino. mas gusto kong mapag-isa, atleast kapag ganun wala akong nasasaktan, wala ring nakakasakit sakin. tahimik din akong tao, hindi kasi ako mahilig magsalita kung wala namang silbi yung sasabihin ko.

2. Masaya sana ako kung...
- conservatory of music ang course ko, bata palang kasi ako yun na talaga ang gusto ko. masaya rin siguro ako kung kasama ko padin ang mga kaibigan ko na wala na ngayon at mas masaya siguro ako ngayon kung sya ang naging GF ko.

3. Di nila alam na ako ay...
- na ako sensitive na tao. ewan ko kung nararamdaman nila yun. haha. di rin nila alam na mahilig akong gumawa ng tula at mga fictional stories.

4. Ang pamilya ko ay...
- simple lang. di naman kami mayaman eh, pero kahit ganun masaya padin kami sa pamilya namin, kasi sama sama naman kami, kumpleto kami. minsan may mga problemang pinagdadaanan, pero nalalampasan namin yun ng magkakasama.

5. Pinagsisisihan ko ang...
- wala naman akong pinagsisisihan eh. lahat ng nangyari sa buhay ko may natutunan ako. siguro kung may pagsisisihan lang ako eh yung relationship namin dati ng ex-girlfriend ko, hindi ko kasi nasuklian yung pagmamahal nya dati eh.

6. Nasasabik akong...
- makagraduate. lahat naman siguro nasasabik para dun diba? nasasabik din ako na makita at makasama ulit si papa, kahit na hindi ko ipinapakita, namimiss ko din ang tatay ko. syempre nasasabik din akong magkaroon ng Nikon D90. haha.

7. Ang naaalala ko sa aking kabataan ay...
- marami parin akong naaalala sa kabataan ko eh. lahat kasi ng mga yun tumatak sa isipan ko. yung mga masasaya at malulungkot na karanasan, yung mga kalokohan, lahat yun naalala ko padin.

8. Ang aking ambisyon sa buhay ay...
- makapagtrabaho sa St. Luke's Hospital, oo, ambisyon ko na talaga yun dati pa, kaw ba naman magkaroon ng mga kamag-anak na nagtatrabaho dun. ambisyon ko ding maging music artist someday, haha. at syempre ambisyon ko din ang ambisyon ng lahat, ang mabago ang Pilipinas.

9. Kailangan kong maging matatag para sa...
- sa sarili ko, sa pamilya ko at sa mga taong nagtitiwala sa akin.

10. Galit ako sa...
- mga taong sinungaling, mga manggagamit, mga mayayabang, yung sarili lang ang iniisip, galit din ako sa plastic, galit ako sa mga tita kong pagkayayabang wala namang ipagmamayabang.

11. Ang pinakamabigat kong problema sa buhay ay...
- kung makakahanap ba ako agad ng trabaho pagkatapos kong mag-aral. alam ko matagal pa yun, pero syempre pinoproblema ko nadin yun