The Thin Air

She’s the only person I want to care for but she always strays away. She gives up every chance of me being smiled at. All I wanted all along is to be known, to be recognized, and be felt, not merely as a thin air but as a person who is feeling and who has a heart that beats. Maybe if i cling to all the false hopes and wrong expectations that she gives, i can say to myself its better that way. It’s better to know the feeling than not to experience it at all. After all, loving is not about the reward and the favors to be returned.It’s about the feeling of being there beside her although sometimes also facing the fact that you’re never really there to be felt and to be acknowledged back.

People always hold back, from showing what's hidden inside them and sometimes from coming out of their own shell. The feeling would rather fade into nothingness than to show a person that you cared, that you missed, and most importantly, that you loved. A slap on the face is more tolerable than grasping this bitter truth sometimes. People can be really unfeeling. It's like you stand there before her to show you care, and yet you're barely even noticed. You are just a thin air passing by.

But lingering there over and over again bore my heart sometimes. Love fades along the way and the tables take a different turn once in a while. This time i got fed up of all the lost chances being thrown at my face. This time i decided to cut the chase and leave an impression of not wanting to go back there and be bored in the heart over and over again by the one i loved. Blood seeps through the hole and it makes the heart fail to beat, so i realize I've got to keep a little something for myself and think i deserve better than to linger there and expect nothing in return - not even the slightest smile. Although it's painful, sometimes i have to acknowledge the fact of letting chances go and be proud of myself that i loved, that i once clung there for the feeling.

I'm asking myself, Is it a big fault when I decided not to hang there to pursue the one I loved? The answer is I don’t think so. People hold back, Afraid to show their feeling. There’s no way i can change that fact and there’s nothing i could do to be noticed. I don’t know why people hold back but maybe it’s because of fear or i just really failed in comparison with his significant others. But at the end of the day, when i'm gone, she will tell me that she misses it, that she wants the chase after all. That she is almost feeling the thin air but quite not willing to take it in. That she just loves the idea of being chased and having the power to ignore at the same time. But I say it’s a different thing now. It’s all about taking chances and not getting all the things that we wanted in life. This time she told me I didn’t have to quit the chase. But the tables have turned now. So I asked her, would it be a big fault if she decides at first not to cling to the feeling although the feeling was sweet and true, and to acknowledge it once and for all when the chance is right there before her? She said yes, it would be a big fault on her part. I just paid her a smile and a quizzical look…… then I turned.

She once slipped away and it was never the same after that. People fall in and fall out of love. Chances were lost and it will never be there for the second time around. I was not lying to myself when i cut the chase. It was her who was holding back and afraid. It was her turn now to be the thin air. So all i could do is to feel sorry for her. I'm not even holding back what i'm feeling this time, it's just that we changed places. It's just that it was me slipping away this time and I'm just happy that i didn't stay there any longer to dissipate like thin air. It was a beautiful awakening. If only she came out of her own shell then, If only.

We’ve all read and heard of lost chances and time wasted in a lot of romantic novels and movies. We cried buckets over Catherine and Heathcliff, Zach and Summer, Jen and Dawson, Brit and Teddy or even Teng and Kit. But after a very long time of hoping and waiting there in vain for love, thin airs do get tired sometimes. They cut all chases and stop. Their feelings change and the tables turn. In the end they are the one who says “you had your chance but you blew it”. It’s painful at first for you thought your chances were so much that it sucks. But in the end you realize that leaving is better than clinging. Because the experience would tell you that there are people out there who deserve your time better. If all it takes is to believe that there is so much to learn than to lose, it’s better to hold on to that belief than to stay there and dissipate like nothing.


P.S.

she's Catren Ann Gamboa and she's the reason why i ended up writing The Thin Air way back in our early college days.
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as of now, ok naman na kami, were friends and i guess hanggang dun nalang talaga yun.
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kung di mo pa 'to nababasa parekoi, sana magustuhan at maintindihan mo din ang laman ng blog na ito.
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ingat palagi.






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